(Overheard somewhere in the basement of a church in Ontario)
Greetings and welcome everyone to the Annual Year-End Meeting of the CFL Eastern Division Coaches and General Managers Support Group.
A few housekeeping issues before we get down to business.
While we appreciate Tiger-Cat Coach/General Manager/Director of Football Operations Kent Austin only taking up one chair, your demands of a five-yard Halo around your chair makes it difficult for us to have everyone in a sharing circle that we prefer. Also, while we appreciate your attempt to streamlining the title and introduction process to these affairs, “Omnipotent God of all that is Football” is a little much. Can’t we just call you Kent?
Mr. Barker. How many times do I have to tell you that you cannot stand behind me while I am opening the meeting and addressing the group? Please, take your seat in the circle with the others! And can you please tell Mr. Clemons that there are no cameras or media here so his presence is really not required.
Mr. Popp. While we appreciate that you took the advice of the group to actually bring coach Higgins to our gathering this time, can you please do something about him? He seems to be walking aimlessly around the room not really knowing what's going on. And further to the motion you brought forward last meeting, we will not note in the meeting's minutes that you are the General Manager that signed Duron Carter, the son of Pro Football Hall of Famer Cris Carter. That is Rod Black's responsibility and a very different meeting.
Mssr. Desjardins. While we respectfully appreciate your suggestion that cookies imported from the United States are a dime a dozen, we would prefer to stay local and support our domestic manufacturers. We, as a group, have also decided that your censure for drafting Marwan Hage, Kevin Glenn and subsequently signing a 40-year-old quarterback shall expire at the end of this meeting.
Okay then – with those items taken care of – let us get onto tonight's agenda!
Since this is our last meeting for 2014, I thought it would be good for us all to make our 2015 New Year's resolutions. Let us start with the reigning Eastern Division Champion Hamilton Tiger-Cats.
Oh Omnipotent God of all things that is Football?
For the last time, would you please stop running around pushing people in the back? We get it already! Honestly, we all get it!
Now, are there any New Year’s resolutions that you would like to share with the group Kent?
Well, that’s not really a resolution but we’ll make sure Mr. Proulx receives your sentiments!
Please refrain from speaking while it is someone else’s turn and for the last time watch your language! We understand that Owens and Durie getting injured at a Community Centre Secret Santa Party is upsetting but that is no reason to be that fouled mouthed. In the name of all things Pinball, would you please just shut the heck up!
How about we move on to division runner-ups Montreal.
That’s a challenge flag Tom – again – not really a resolution. But the effort was indeed appreciated. Please try and keep up.
Thank you Jim, but once more that is not really a resolution. I promise we will put it to a vote in our January meeting that the Alouettes have first right of refusal for all offspring named Rice, Reed, Irvin, Lofton, Swann, Stallworth …
Moving on now. Hopefully there’s a New Year’s resolution in Ottawa?
Thank you! An actual New Year’s resolution!
But really, don’t be so hard on yourself Marcel. Many of those personnel moves were perfectly unadvisable… err… I mean understandable. At least you did not draft a dead guy like one of your predecessors! That would have been really bad!
I think we should bring things to a close here before things really get out of control. I would like to call on our senior member, Mr. Jim Popp, to stand up and lead us in our closing prayer.
Are you standing?
Oh! There you are Jim. You are standing. Sorry about that.
“We, the members of the CFL Eastern Division Coaches and General Managers Support Group do vow to remember that the season begins in June and to not start the season so slowly and go 12 and 28 versus the West.”
And now, as customary, we will pass around David Braley's hat for contributions from the group. Of course Jim and Scott, you are not expected to pay since it has already been deducted from your paycheques!
Alrighty then! That concludes the Annual Year-End Meeting of the CFL Eastern Division Coaches and General Managers Support Group. As a reminder, we do not know where we will be meeting in the New Year.
Hopefully Hamilton’s venue will be complete.
The Argos can only offer space on Tuesdays at 2am.
While Montreal is available, we worry that no one will actually show up.
So I guess it will have to be Ottawa! Welcome to the East Division Fellas!